My heart is on fire
Mar 31st, 2006 by Accidental Thinker
That’s what I wrote to a friend yesterday. That I wanted God to be lighting my heart on fire all the time. The words and imagery stuck with me, and I have decided it is time to speak openly about that which has been foremost in my mind for quite some time now. Readers, if such subjects turn you off, you have been fairly warned that this post is a departure from my usual material and may not be for you. But I hope you will read on anyway and be inspired.
Off and on over the years, I’ve felt the need for more of God in my life. Kind of a nagging notion that I should take more responsibility for my spiritual growth. Except I never really did much about it. We’ve always been the kind of family who dutifully attends church on Sundays and prays with the kids every night, and… and… and… nada. That’s it. At least for me. Sure, I’ve had bursts of enthusiasm here and there. After 9/11, in prayer at church was where I most wanted to be. But that has been the exception rather than the rule.
My Christianity has never been a secret, but I’ve always claimed to be uncomfortable talking about matters of faith. Partly because it’s felt personal — something that should remain between me and God. But if I’m really honest with myself, it’s also because I’ve been afraid of being found out for my lack of spiritual maturity. How do you talk to people about what you believe in when you don’t know why you believe what you do? And how can you explain that you’ve called yourself a Christian for so many years now without ever having made any serious attempt to study God’s Word?
Somehow, all that has changed. My love for God has been pent up, and it wants out. I can’t put my finger on any one event that triggered it, though I have tried. It’s a confluence of people and experiences that have all converged over the past year or so with God’s perfect timing. A sister-in-law who has been eager to learn together. A biblically themed project at work. A former employee who referred the client, seeing past my silence to understand that I would be receptive to taking on such an assignment. A friend in ministry who asked the right questions to get me talking, giving me the courage to speak up. A daughter who has been showing interest and asking questions of her own, leading to the realization that I should be setting a better example. A book that left me tearfully longing to experience the joy of God’s love all the time. A minister whose timely sermons always seem to speak to exactly whatever is on my mind. A year full of abundant blessings that I can only attribute to God’s divine influence. And a husband, whom God used to lead me to Him in the first place, who is ever supportive of my renewed desire to seek a deeper relationship with Christ.
God is all around me. He’s trying to capture my attention from every conceivable angle. It’s perfectly obvious, and I’m listening. It’s tempting to ask “why,” and “why now?” I certainly have asked, though perhaps it is wrong to question His motives or timing. I’m not sure what God is preparing me for, but I’m certain He has a plan. In the meantime, I’m bordering on information overload, trying to quench my appetite. Everything I read fulfills me and lifts me up. When I fall behind, I get restless. I have embarked on a bible reading plan. I am engaged in bible study with my sister-in-law. I keep a devotional journal. I talk to God more, and more sincerely, than ever before. I talk to my husband and my children about God more than ever before. And my learned youth minister friend is patiently answering questions and allowing me to “practice” and build confidence in my God language.
And so here I find myself with no greater wish than to model my life after the example and teachings of Jesus. I’m not always as successful as I’d like. I often fail completely, but I’m learning. I know He loves me and forgives my imperfections. And I know He’ll always be there in my times of need. All I have to do is ask. There is so much hope and promise and relief in that truth. Jesus is preparing an eternal place for me in Heaven, and someday I will join Him there, along with many of my loved ones. It will be a glorious day indeed.
Friends, some of you may be surprised at my candid talk and the depth of my conviction. You may have never heard me speak on this topic much or at all. Nor are you likely to at any great length, unless you express interest. Even now it remains far outside my comfort zone to share my feelings so boldly. I have not become a bible-thumper and I will never preach to you, but if you are in the neighborhood, I might invite you to church.
So it is that what I have written here today is not for your benefit or mine, though I will be blessed if you take something from it (I hope you do). It’s for the benefit of my children, who inspire so much of what I record here. Someday, when they are old enough, they will read this material. They will laugh at many of the stories I have written, delight in seeing themselves in the occasional starring role, and maybe learn a thing or two about their old mom. And therein lies the key. I want them to recognize that God is important enough to me that I am willing to share Him with friends and strangers alike. I want them to see beyond my quiet but unwavering belief and know something of my personal journey in getting there. They’ll probably know anyway, but I’d like them to read about it all the same. I pray they will share in my enthusiasm.
And now that this blog author has poured out all that her heart, lit with fire, feels on this subject, we return to your regularly scheduled blog programming.
Monique,
What a wonderful post. I can identify with many of your feelings.
Unlike you, I know exactly the circumstances and experience that brought about my re-awakening. Now my struggle is how much do I put “out there.” I don’t want to offend people but I want them to know that I know Someone who can change their lives. Then there’s the fact that so many people know how I was living and I fear they’ll doubt my sincerity.
Great post. Thanks for sharing.
You go girl! This sounds wonderful.
Just popping in for a hello.
It’s been ahwile since I visited here.
Just as I began reading, a neighbors dog caused a commotion with our dog.
Our old, dog didn’t bark once. She’s just too pooped to even bark.
This is a deep and personal post. It is a very important one as well. Turning points in our hearts and lives make big differences in our lives over time. This step towards a closer walk with God will bring about changes in your everyday life.
Never feel afraid or inferior for your beliefs. That you now recognize that is what I would call a spiritual maturity in itself. 😉
What we call ourselves isn’t as important as our heart and our actions. I am a Christian, too, but just by name that associates me with some I care not to be. I go where I feel God moving, whether at a church or on top of a mountain. When I see legalism getting in the way of spiritual growth, I know it’s time to move on.
Excellent post.
Monique ~ It takes a lot of courage to speak of your convictions and your belief in the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior and about what a driving force he is in your life. You have done it with total humility (as perhaps Christ himself would have)! Moving! Very Moving! I’d say, “God Bless you”, but it is obvious (at least to me) that he ALREADY HAS! ~ jb///
That was WONDERFUL. The greatest gift a parent gives their children is living their faith. Witnessing an inner light, positive attitude in ALL things and joyful praise is powerful beyond words and prepares them for a lifetime of thanksgiving. You’ve learned the wisdom of teaching by example, Monique. Get that clone machine going – the world needs more of you. 🙂
I read this on Sunday evening. Came back Monday morning. This post is too good to add to.
Its not wrong to question God, since He is obviously trying to talk to you, and you are just asking for help in understanding. And even though you say you didn’t write this for your benefit or for ours, we all DO benefit! Thank you.
Hey Mo! I’m proud of you for expressing this in print. I know, in part, how hard it was for you to stick this out there and I can see by the other comments that Kent wasn’t wrong encouraging you to put it on your blog. I love our Sunday studies and I wanted everyone to know that you are “On Fire!” and I feel so lucky to have caught a little spark from the embers God has placed at your feet. I look forward each week to continuing our growth in knowledge of Christ and what he has done for all of us. I’m so thankful he made you my sister-in-law!
How wonderful for you Monique! I wrote on this at one time. Here is the link: http://mysite.verizon.net/pstressel/my_faith/id22.html
My own spirituality has been in some what of a slump. I can’t put my finger on why, but you are an inspiration. Thank you. May God bless you on this new/renewed path in your life!
Awesome. That does sound like what I’ve been going thru lately… 🙂
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